Situationships Pt.2- Everything You Need To Know.

This chronicles the second part of the two-part series on Situationships/Situational relationships. The first part chronicled the real definition of Situationships, Frequently asked questions about them, Signs you are in one, When they are absolutely necessary, When they become a bad idea and what to do when you want out of them. You can read on that here, https://misspresident.home.blog/2019/08/19/situationships-pt-1-everything-you-need-to-know/

So, just to get our memories off to a good start, A Situationship is essentially a connection between two people that serves a short term need in one or both partners, which may or may not evolve into something more stable or meaningful, It’s like playing house by pretending you are in a relationship but with no real consistency, dependency or reliability.

So if you have ever been in this boat, trust me you are not alone.(Rihanna and Drake are right up there with you). Well, I like to describe myself as the Queen of Situationships, I have never had an actual relationship, but I have been in several Situationships, (The word is so long, Can we all just call them “Sits”, please). So basically I have been in several “Sits” (Two, actually, but several sounds more serious, Haha!).

Well, essentially I’m a heterosexual person so I have only been involved with guys (never ruling out other possibilities though), and unlike most stories we hear, I’m the one who always wants a Situationship, never the guy. Now, like I wrote in my previous post, I wrote on When Situationships are necessary, and I must say that, although they are portrayed as a very bad idea, There are sometimes when these sort of relationships are extremely necessary, and I’d tell you exactly when to go for it:

When Situationships are absolute neccessary.

1.If you are just testing the waters, particularly if you are just having an exploration phase, it would be ridiculous to try to get into anything long term, so a Situationship is your best bet here, because it still gives you some form of company while giving you freedom.

2. If you have commitment phobia, you should probably just stick to Situationships until you have therapy sessions that would help you deal with the root of your issues, (Everyone already knows that falling for a Commitment phobe is the worst mistake you can ever make).

3. If you are just getting to know the person– If you both are just getting to know and understand each other, there is no need to force yourselves into a relationship, if you aren’t really ready for it, You could always test the waters with a Situationship before making huge life-changing decisions.

4. If you just don’t want them long term but there’s a high level of attraction-When there is an insane amount of attraction but you know without a doubt that you guys aren’t meant to be together long term, (Please don’t force a relationship, cause that would only lead to a million more problems).

6. If you just got out of a long committed relationship, and you aren’t ready to get into a new one right away (A Situationship is totally encouraged here).

So essentially, those are some of the reasons why you should go into a Situationship, and I would say my own personal reasons are that, Firstly, I don’t like commitment (I know there are people lined up to stone me right now), but it’s the truth, I’ve always felt I’m at an emotional place where a committed relationship can’t exactly work for me right now, so usually, If I notice that anyone I’m with wants a real relationship, then I try my best to nip it in the bud as fast as possible, before it spirals into something I can’t control, and Secondly, I just never felt the need to progress any of the arrangements into more serious relationships. (Meaning: I’ve never really felt anyone was all that worthy).

If you fall into one of those in the category of just not wanting normal relationships, and opting instead for these “Sits,” then here are the tips I used to make my “Sits” work.

Tips To Making Your Situationships Work Perfectly.

If you’re cool with what you have and want to keep it that way, first ask yourself: Am I really?

“In some ways, we might be okay with a casual situation, but we might also be thinking, ‘If this is what they need, that’s fine; I can accommodate that, That’s never the right approach, you have to make sure you’re not pushing your own needs and wants aside just because you want to satisfy someone else’s. (Or because you think their feelings might change…it may never.)

After much thought, If you are absolutely sure you want to be in a Situational relationship, You need to do these in order to make it work:

1.Don’t have the wrong mindset-– First, and foremost, before getting involved in these sort of arrangement, you need to have recognized your love language, your attachment system, and inevitably yourself, if you are a hopeless romantic, then there’s no need for you to even venture into these sort of relationships. If you are prone to anxiety or depression over romantic relationships, you also need to just avoid these sort of arrangements. Essentially, the key is to just know who you are first and foremost, and if it is someone that the mention of unconventional relationships alone makes your heart skip a beat then you need to walk the other way.

2.Always Communicate– Communication is practically the easiest thing to do in the world, but essentially still the hardest, It is literally the key to everything and inevitably to Situationships, You always have to communicate, if you are having a fun time say it, if you are tired of it all, you also need to say it, if you think it’s becoming more than you can take, You need to say that and then take a walk, Whatever decisions you’re making need to be out rightly communicated to see if the second person is on the same page. (I hope they are!). If you feel that expectations and needs are misaligned, recognize that more communication about intentions may be necessary. Or, a situationship might not be a good, mutual fit.

3.Be selfish but then considerate– In order to make your “Sits” work, you need to be considerate of the other person, but your own feelings still need to be top priority, cause, in the end, you have to make whatever decisions are best for you, but that should be after several moments of self-reflections and communication with the other person involved.

4.Always reflect and weigh your options—You need to do this almost every time, you can even set a reminder on your phone that would always remind you to mull over your present situation, evaluate your choices and decisions, and weigh your other options (cause you always have them.)

5.Follow the rules set: In honesty, “Sits” are plagued with a lack of rules, but in order to keep everything on track, you need to have a few rules here and there, like, “Are you going to talk about who else you’re getting involved with? Are you going to do weekday overnights? Are you going to hang alone or with each other’s friends?” Those are some of the rules you absolutely need to talk about.” Basically, In order to make these sort of arrangements work, you need to abide by whatever rules you both have set, like, If you have agreed to be exclusive then be exclusive (It’s still called cheating, although it’s not an actual relationship), but if you haven’t, then you should totally not let that Situationship weigh you down–Go on dates, Go to public places, Just explore, explore, explore. Who knows you just might find something great. But essentially be clear you’re both on the exact same page with the same expectations,” advises Medcalf. 

How to avoid falling into a Situationship.

1. Think about the specific kind of relationship you want.– You have to figure out what you want for yourself. Do you want a serious relationship? Do you want something casual? If you know exactly what you want then its easy to know what you don’t want.

2. Know your worth– If you are very aware of this, you are highly unlikely to get into situations you don’t really want to be in.

3. Hint at the type of relationship you want: You need to use your early dates to hint at exactly what you want, You can do this by maybe showing your favorite celebrity couple, and saying things like “I want what they have”, or “these are my relationship goals”, and just that act, will signal to the other person that you absolutely didn’t come to play around.

4.Find out what the other person is actually looking for: You can also hint at this, or you can out rightly ask what they want out of life and relationships, if the answer isn’t favorable to you, and sounds along the lines of, “Ï’m not really trying to get serious now” or “Monogamy is the bane of my existence” You need to pick that up instantly, and act on it.

5. Voice your needs honestly and establish your boundaries early in the dating process- Now, we are done with all the hinting and subtlety, If you absolutely don’t want to get into anything less of a relationship, You need to climb the highest mountain and scream that aloud. (Haha!) But seriously, you need to voice it out very early in your dating process, so that will continue to ring in the other person’s mind, and of course, they’d be scared to ask you to get involved in something you have out rightly said you are not interested in.

5. If your needs can’t be met at the present time, move on. (Do not settle!).

6. Always, Always Put yourself first- This won’t just stop you from falling into Situationships, it will stop you from falling into any thing you don’t desire, If you make yourself a priority and these “Sits” don’t float your boat then you just need to say that and get done with it.

Upsides of Situationships according to professional relationship experts.

1.A positive is that perhaps you get to explore your feelings for the person, your sexuality, and how you operate within a kind of relationship, without the pressures that come with being in a defined relationship like boyfriend/girlfriend,” said Steinberg.

2.“By not settling down too soon and exploring nontraditional relationship dynamics, the individuals involved can use their experiences to better inform themselves about what they truly need from a romantic partner,” Meyers noted.

3.There’s also the benefit of getting your physical needs met and having a buddy by your side for various activities and events. Younger generations are putting off marriage to focus on their careers and personal growth, so situationships can be great for those who don’t have time for the obligations of a committed relationship.

4.“If both parties are aware of the undefined status and expectations of their relationship, it can be very fulfilling and convenient,” said Alysha Jeney, a therapist and owner of Modern Love Counseling in Denver. “If both parties understand their relationship and desire the same things from each other, it can make for a very satisfying situation.”

Downsides of Situationships according to relationship experts.

1.Unfortunately, both parties are often not on the same page. If one person has stronger feelings and wants to turn the situationship into a full-on relationship while the other prefers things the way they are, there can be insecurity, frustration, confusion, hurt feelings, resentment and other negative emotions that make for an unhealthy dynamic.

2.People can get stuck in this type of limbo for a long time and not know how to extricate themselves from something that is not ultimately healthy for them,” Steinberg said. It is also believed that situationships dynamic don’t allow young people to practice important life skills like vulnerability, non-sexual intimacy, having difficult and awkward conversations, resilience, self-respect and boundaries.

3.“Also, it doesn’t teach people how to be alone and be alright with that or to just sit with the often uncomfortable feelings of being alone and learning how to move through those feelings,” she added.

4.Another problem with situationships is that they can meet enough of your needs that they stop you from pursuing a more fulfilling match with longer-term potential. So while having a somewhat steady person around can alleviate short-term loneliness, it can also distract you from the real goal of cultivating a committed relationship with a like-minded partner. “A situationship is like false comfort and lacks true intimacy and vulnerability. This is a lazy way of dating since you’re half in and half out. You’re not truly courting someone or investing the effort a relationship needs to blossom,” Burns explained.

5. “A lot of singles struggle to get out of a situationship with the person they’re seeing and into a real relationship with them. This is mostly because neither partner is truly invested, or one is way more into the other person,” she continued. “People are constantly dating with a ‘grass is greener’ mentality, so they are hesitant to commit to one person, and are entering into short-lived situationships, rather than investing fully and giving a defined relationship a real chance.”

How to turn a Situationship into a real relationship.

First, I’m not one to believe that everyone is made for someone, or that traditional relationships are the way out, so this segment isn’t supposed to pressure you into going for something you don’t want, If you want a Situationship that’s great, and if you want a traditional relationship, that’s great too, but basically this is just going to tell you how to turn your present Situationship into an actual relationship.

1.Be Subtle but Smart– This is where hints and subtle comments will earn you points again, you definitely need to keep hinting at the fact that you want more, more and more. (Eventually, they would get it).

2. Break your rules, Although manipulation isn’t the best bet here, It can work sometimes, you can say that you kind of want to see other people especially if you agreed to be exclusive, This would prompt the other person to begin to question themselves and their adequacy, and sometimes, this may just lead to them trying to do more to keep you around.

3.Ask a thought-provoking question: You need to ask a question that would make the other person wonder, doubt and wonder again, You can ask “if this is all they want for their life”, if they see a future with you” or any other question that will really make them question themselves.

4.Be brave and transparent and initiate the dreaded relationship talk about where you currently are and where you would like to be, as far as an exclusive relationship with that person,” says Heidi McBain, a therapist specializing in women’s mental health-You absolutely need to get some courage and bring up the DTR talk, If the other person is on board you both can start working towards greater things, and if they aren’t atleast you knew early enough, and you can always easily walk out the door. “The ideal location is a setting where you can have an honest conversation and no one is in an altered state.

5. If you’re honest with them, and they seem to be on the same page, it’s time to up the ante and start treating it like a real relationship. “Start going on legitimate dates, and making real moves toward a relationship,” shares Birch. “Get out of the house. Invite them to a concert or an event. Have them meet your friends. See what actions are reciprocated.”

P.S. If you really don’t want to go further with that person, you can check my previous post, https://misspresident.home.blog/2019/08/19/situationships-pt-1-everything-you-need-to-know/ for what to say when you need to get out of that Situationship as fast as possible.

P.S. I’d love to have more discussions with you stars in the comment section, so don’t forget to do that.

You also need to check out The first part of the Situationship series, there, I chronicled the real definition of Situationships, Frequently asked questions about Situationshps, Signs you are in a Situationship, When Situationships are absolutely necessary, When Situationships become a bad idea and what to do when you want out of a Situationship. You can read on that here, https://misspresident.home.blog/2019/08/19/situationships-pt-1-everything-you-need-to-know/

XO, ANGEL JOANNE.

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